Read a band score 7.5 - 8.0 academic IELTS task 1 essay from a real student who submitted their essay to IELTSClimber for correction.  First, read the students original essay and then look at the corrections and feedback.  Do you have any questions?  Write them as a facebook comment at the bottom of this page.

The question: Over the past few decades, with the help of the internet an unimaginable amount of information has become widely available to the general public.

What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?

task 2 writing

Original essay:  Band score 7.0 - 7.5

In recent decades, there was a significant shift in the amount of information provided by the web. Consequently, the general public has become exposed to a large sum of news, and some worry that it has detrimental influence on our society, while others state the benefits of it. In this essay, I will discuss the negative and positive impact the information supplied by the internet has on our lives.

Nowadays, the population have an access to all sorts of sources thanks to the internet. For example, scientific studies that were only available to the lucky few in the academia, can now be accessed by many people, and inform them about many topics which were researched. This information can help them understand how to run their lives better, which medications and treatments are truely effective, and which food they should eat. Another notable example is Wikipedia, which showed a great impact over our lives in recent years. One can find there information about almost anything, from the birthplace of a celebrity to the scientists that have split the atom.  It has also provided a meaningful information for students and researchers who can make a progress in a specific field of study even further.

However, too much information can have negative effects on society as well. Some people trust "Dr. Google" for finding medical information on the web, and in many of these cases, they medically assess themselves for a disease way worst than what they actually have. In addition, fake news in on the rise, with many news sources online fabricating stories or displaying only a small proportion of the story without showing all angles. This can lead to a society who is more divided and people not trusting each other.

To summarize, despite the disadvantages mentioned above, I think that having a large amount of information accessable  to the population is very positive, and we should appreciate the fact that anyone can receive information about anything, anywhere.

327 words

Corrected essay:

Key

Crossed out = mistake , red = correction blue = suggestion/explanation

In recent decades, there was (consider using the present perfect progressive verb tense ‘has been’ instead of ‘was’. The sentence you wrote is correct, but using more complex verb structures will earn you a higher band score.) a significant shift in the amount of information provided by the web. Consequently, the general public has become exposed to a large sum (replace ‘sum’ with ‘amount’.  ‘Sum’ is usually only used when adding together two or more things.) of news, and some worry that it has a detrimental influence on our society, while others state the benefits of it. In this essay, I will discuss the negative and positive impact the information supplied by the internet has on our lives.

 

Nowadays, the population have an has access to all sorts of sources thanks to (‘thanks to’ is a very casual expression and IELTS academic is formal writing.  Use ‘as a result of’ or ‘because of’ instead of ‘thanks to’.) the internet. For example, scientific studies that were only available to the lucky few in the academia, (comma is not necessary) can now be accessed by many people, and inform them about many topics which were researched. This information can help them understand how to run their lives better, which medications and treatments are truely truly effective, and which food they should eat. Another notable example is Wikipedia, which showed had a great impact over our lives (‘over our lives’ is also not academic and not necessarily true.  Use ‘on society’ or ‘on the average person’) in recent years. One can find there information about almost anything, from the birthplace of a celebrity to the scientists that have split the atom.  It has also provided a meaningful information for students and researchers who can make a further progress in a specific field of study. even further.

 

However, too much information can have negative effects on society as well. Some people trust "Dr. Google" for finding medical information on the web, and in many of these cases, they medically assess themselves for a disease way worst worse (‘way worse’ is a very casual expression.  For formal/academic writing, use ‘much worse’) than what they actually have. In addition, fake news in is on the rise, with many news sources online fabricating stories or displaying only a small proportion portion of the story without showing all angles. This can lead to a society who that is more divided and people not trusting each other.

 

To summarize, despite the disadvantages mentioned above, I think that having a large amount of information accessable accessible to the population is very positive, and we should appreciate the fact that anyone can receive information about anything, anywhere.

Feedback

 

Band score: 7.0 - 7.5

 

Strengths:

  • The essay is logically organized and clearly answers the writing prompt. You give relevant examples to make each point.
  • You use some advanced vocabulary correctly and appropriately. For example, ‘detrimental influence’, ‘academia’, ‘fabricating stories’.
  • You summarize the topic of the essay in your introduction paragraph very well without copying vocabulary from the writing prompt.
  • Overall, your writing is easy to read and understand. There are mistakes, but they are not serious enough to cause misunderstandings.

 

Weaknesses:

  • You use casual language several times (way worse, thanks to, over our lives). This type of language is perfect when speaking, but academic IELTS writing needs to be formal.  It can be difficult to know which expressions are formal/casual.  As a general rule, formal writing does not include personal pronouns (I, we, us, etc…) or equivalents.  For example, instead of saying “Electricity has had a positive impact on our lives” you could say “Electricity has had a positive impact on society”.
  • You make two mistakes with words that sound very similar but are different; worse/worst and proportion/portion.
    • Worse is tricky because it is an irregular adjective. The forms of this adjective are bad → worse → worst.  ‘Worst’ always goes with ‘the’.  For example, “This restaurant is the worst”.  In your essay, you are comparing two things so you need to use ‘worse’.
    • proportion/portion sound similar but are used differently. Proportion is used with a number, fraction, or percentage. For example, “The proportion of students who walk to school is 56%”.  ‘Portion’ is a synonym of ‘part’ and they can be used interchangeably.  Portion is not usually used with a number, fraction, or percentage.  For example, “My portion of the group project is to research deadly diseases”.
  • Your essay is 327 words, which is well over the 250 word minimum. There is no penalty for writing a long essay, but you should aim to write about 270 - 300 words.  Instead of writing more, use your time to check your work for grammar, spelling and word choice.

 

Overall, your writing is easy to read and understand.  You show that you are able to use advanced vocabulary and grammar structures, as well as showing your ability to logically organize and write an academic essay.  You could improve your band score to 8.0 - 8.5 by carefully proofreading for grammar/spelling mistakes and being careful to avoid casual expressions in your academic writing.

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