Read a band score 7.5 - 8.0 academic IELTS task 1 essay from a real student who submitted their essay to IELTSClimber for correction.  First, read the students original essay and then look at the corrections and feedback.  Do you have any questions?  Write them as a facebook comment at the bottom of this page.

The question: The pie charts below show the funding allocation to a range of museums in a European country in 2000 and 2010.  Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

multiple pie charts 1

Original essay:

This pie charts display percentages of funding allocation for several museums in a European country in
the years 2000 and 2010. Overall, the percentage of budget recieved was similar for both of these years,
with only several minor changes I will inform about.

Firstly, the charts demonstrate the funding allocation for the National Museum was the highest with
30% in 2000 and 25% in 2010. The Museum of Medieval Art was also allocated a large proportion of the
funds with 20% in 2000 which increased to 25% in 2010. The smallest proportion of budget recieved was
for the Transport Museum with 5% and 10% for 2000 and 2010, respectively.

In addition, the charts show a 5% reduction in allocated funds for the National, Ancient World, and
Technology museums in 2010 compared with 2000. Consequently, proportion of the allocated budget
was increased by 5% for the Natural History, Transport, and Medieval Art museums.

(152 words)

Corrected essay:

Key

Crossed out = mistake , red = correction , blue = suggestion/explanation

 

This These pie charts display the percentage of funding allocation allocated (funding allocation is a noun phrase.  You must use it as a noun in order for it to be correct.  Here, your noun is ‘percentages’.) for several museums in a European country in the years 2000 and 2010. Overall, the percentage of the budget recieved received was similar for both of these years, with only several minor changes. I will inform about. (Do not use ‘I’ or any other personal pronouns in academic IELTS task 1)

 

Firstly, the charts demonstrate the funding allocation for the National Museum was the highest with 30% in 2000 and 25% in 2010. The Museum of Medieval Art was also allocated a large proportion of the funds with 20% in 2000 which increased to 25% in 2010. The smallest proportion of the budget recieved was for the Transport Museum with 5% and 10% for 2000 and 2010, respectively. 

 

In addition, the charts show a 5% reduction in allocated funds for the National, Ancient World, and Technology museums in 2010 compared with 2000. Consequently, the proportion of the allocated budget was increased by 5% for the Natural History, Transport, and Medieval Art museums.

Feedback

 

Band score: 7.5 - 8.0

 

Strengths:

  • The essay uses a range of vocabulary (funding allocation / allocated funds / budget).
  • The essay has varied grammar structures when describing the pie charts.
  • The essay is logically organized.

Weaknesses:

  • You make a mistake at the beginning when you use ‘this’ instead of ‘these’.  This type of mistake can hurt your band score. IELTS examiners give no allowance for careless mistakes, so they must assume that you do not know the difference between these two basic words.  I strongly recommend that you use 2-3 minutes of your time when you take the exam to proofread and double check your essay for these types of careless mistakes.  
  • Do not use any personal pronouns in IELTS academic task 1.  The writing prompt only asks you to describe the charts, so it is best to avoid any personal pronouns or opinions.  
  • In your introduction paragraph, you should give a brief overview of how the essay will be organized.  Do not use any specific numbers or percentages in the introduction paragraph, but present your organization.  For example, you could use this sentence in your introduction paragraph:
    • Overall, the Museum of Medieval Art and the National Museum together took up the majority of funding while the Transport Museum received the least funding, with the rest of the museums experiencing minor fluctuations in their allocated budget.  
    • This sentence effectively tells your reader exactly how your essay will be organized.

 

Overall, it is clear that you have experience describing visual information in charts and graphs.  Your presentation of the information is thorough and clear. However, you miss some opportunities to score higher.  For example, instead of always using percentages, try using a fraction instead where it is possible (25% → one quarter).  Look at this page: https://ieltsclimber.com/teacher-vs-student-essay-5/ to see a sample essay that I wrote for the same writing prompt. 

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